Steal this Perfect Thanksgiving Speech
Wow the crowd at your Thanksgiving gathering.
Just fill in the blanks to personalize this perfect pre-written speech:
(Clink your wine glass, stand, and address the crowd.)
Gratitude is a funny thing to discuss when our physical, mental, and financial wellbeing go through so many ups and downs. You can always do better, and always do worse. You can have a great day but then be kept awake at night by [YOUR PERSONAL RECURRING FEAR].
Nevertheless, there’s always room for gratitude. We can start with the basics: giving thanks that we are alive. Even [OLDEST PERSON IN THE ROOM] is still desperately hanging on. We can give thanks for this meal, even if [PERSON WHO COOKED THE WHOLE MEAL] could have used that America’s Test Kitchen brining method I sent [HER/HIM/THEM] last month, which would have resulted in a moister, more succulent bird.
Most of all, I think we can agree that we should all be grateful to not have been born as a tongue-eating louse. That’s the bug that eats a fish’s tongue and then lives in the fish’s mouth.
If you believe as I do, that our souls could have been assigned to inhabit any creature on earth, from [A SPECIFIC HOUSE PLANT IN THE ROOM] to [THE ANIMAL IN YOUR AUNT’S ANIMAL-PRINT BLOUSE], you have to be glad you got to be human instead of some strange, nasty critter. Though I’d still rather be that than [LEAST FAVORITE PERSON IN THE ROOM].
The tongue-eating louse severs the blood capillaries in the fish’s tongue and then latches on, feeding off the fish’s blood. A little like [NAME OF COUSIN STILL LIVING WITH THEIR PARENTS]. It then serves the same function as the tongue and, for the most part, leaves its host unscathed, unlike [THAT SAME COUSIN]. Nevertheless, there is something viscerally repulsive about the idea of having your tongue eaten and replaced by a bug. Though, on the plus side, you wouldn’t have to taste this dry-ass turkey meat with the limp, soggy skin. Isn’t that right, [PERSON WHO COOKED IT]??
Perhaps we all have more in common with this aquatic parasite than we originally thought.
(Pause for a full two minutes of silent reflection.)
And isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about?
(Leave the room, walk out of the house, and board the next flight to Mexico City. Do not return to your family. You will never be able to top this speech. Rather than living in the shadow of this moment, live in La Zona Rosa, the Mexico City district once home to Frida Khalo that is now a hotspot for nightlife, shopping, and culture.)