The last minute passive aggressive gift guide
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. There’s parties for hosting, mistletoe mistletoeing – whatever that means – and carolers out in the snow.
You’re also obligated to buy presents for people. And some of those people you don’t like. So how do you fulfill your holiday obligations while staying true to your petty self?
This year, we put together the ultimate holiday gift guide for presents that say, “I love you” but also: “I have a lot of deep-seated resentment and judgement towards you that is quite honestly eating me alive, and I can’t express it in any other way so I bought you this in hopes it’ll help you take a clue that you need to shape up or ship out of my life.”
You probably can’t tell this person their breath reeks because you are not capable of handling even the slightest bit of confrontation. Spare yourself the physical and emotional toll, and give them a year-long supply of breath mints. It’s also fun to wrap – say, a tin of Altoids – and have them guess what the gift is only to be disappointed that it’s just a thing of mints.
A 3-Pack of ScrubDaddy Sponges
This is honestly the perfect gift for anyone who has dishes, but it’s also the perfect gift for your friend who straight-up does not do dishes. Behind their cheerful smile is a stern rebuke: Telling your buddy to “clean up” their act, literally, with this three-pack of the greatest sponge ever created.
There’s an old saying, “No one loves your kids as much as you do.” And the same is occasionally true with dogs. Sorry, your dog is cute but I don’t want them on my sofa? Even if you love the dog, you still might not totally love your friend (or frenemy, really). Turn “man’s best friend” against said-man and buy that dog the plushest, squeakiest toy your local pet shop has available. Their eardrums will be ringing for hours and when that little toy is all chewed up and torn apart, they’ll be left cleaning up the plush-y cotton innards for days. Days!
Okay, so there’s an old saying that goes, “no one loves your kids as much as you do” and this is almost always true. Sure, they’re cute until they’re ripping through your house turning everything into an utterly chaotic mess. Why are they even rifling through the knife drawer? It’s the parents’ fault, obviously! They might have offered to pay for Stanley Steamer to get that poop stain out of the carpet but your friends need some serious help. “A Dummy’s Guide” book won’t do; you need to find a fully-on parenting class to help these people out.
A $20 Gift Card to Tiffany’s
For the person in your life who says they have “everything they need,” but secretly knows you won’t pony up to buy them what they really want – which is likely some expensive luxury item, like a purse, some jewelry, or a luxury sedan with a big ol’ red bow on it. I can’t get you a 24k bracelet from Tiffany’s but I can help cover the taxes with a sweet $20 gift card. Or at least, the gift wrapping. $20 probably gets one of those little blue boxes too, right? Guess you’ll just have to find out when you cash in that little blue gift card.
A Hefty Donation to A Non-Profit They Ideologically Oppose
You might have skipped over any political drama at this year’s family Thanksgiving, but deep down you know how your uncle really feels about current affairs. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, just like everyone can vote with their own dollar. And that’s why this year, you’re sticking it your uncle by putting your dollars towards a cause he straight-up hates. Maybe it’s a vegan advocacy group or a nonprofit that seeks to end toxic masculinity in sports. Merry, merry!